Therapists are people too.
Social media is a double edged sword, isn’t it? It helps you see what friends are up to and keep in touch with people. Sometimes it can feel like you know people better than you actually do. Social media also has a dark side too. I’ve seen so many posts from people about their therapists or therapists in general on Threads mostly. These are the things I’ve seen:
Therapists should not drink during session (water, coffee, whatever).
Therapists should not have mental health issues of their own.
Therapists should be perfect wives, husbands, parents, and friends.
Therapists shouldn’t go into therapy if they don’t want to help others (i.e. work for free mostly).
Therapists should dress up to go to work.
This is NOT an extensive list. I just picked a few of the ones that really bother me.
So let me set some things straight: therapists are people. We have biological needs like hydrating and needing caffeine (guilty). I am usually double fisting with coffee and water. Most of us are good at our jobs because we have had mental health struggles in the past. We make mistakes and fall short in relationships, parenting, and with friends. We shouldn’t work for free (we will spend our time in session worrying internally about how we pay bills, feed our families, etc.) and we deserve a livable wage from our work. We also like to be comfy and feel good about ourselves in order to pay attention to you. I would not be as comfortable in a suit, that is for sure.
I have been a therapist with my own practice for almost 7 years. Those have been some of the most fulfilling years of my life. I love my clients, really LOVE them, and I know them inside and out. They don’t necessarily know the same about me. It’s not about me. The only time that the list above is a problem (in my opinion) is when it interferes with the work you are doing. If your therapist is taking over your session with their problems, that should not be happening and you should either talk to them or find another therapist. That is a violation of therapeutic boundaries.
However, I will tell you this: your therapist needs to take care of themself in order to be the best therapist to you. A mentor once told me “you can only take your clients as far as you have been yourself.” I believe that wholeheartedly.I used to have panic attacks on the NYC subway. It was awful. I worked on it for a long time. I worked with my therapist and it helped me. I am now so understanding to my clients that have panic attacks. I know what they feel like and I learned how to talk myslef through them. When I realized I had control over them, I no longer have them anymore.
I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I remember thinking at the time “Oh my god, is this what it really feels like?” I felt so much empathy for my clients who have to work daily just to function. I sat in the client chair of an EMDR therpist to do the work on my own. I saw that it worked. It changed my life. I was able to sleep again and be able to find rationality instead of reactivity. It’s not always perfect, because nothing ever is. I am in individual and group therapy myself and that has made a huge difference for me and my work.
So, should I not see clients because I’ve worked (and continue to work) through my own stuff? It makes me a BETTER therapist. The moment I walk into the room knowing how hard it is to get there, that is the moment I am the best at my job. It doesn’t matter if I drink in session, it doesn’t matter if I wear jeans fun sneakers, and a band t-shirt. I am ready to support you. You may not ever know anything about my struggles, it’s not important. Just know that if I don’t understand you, I try to experience you. What is it like to sit with you? What is it like to witness your life? What dots can I help you connect while I’m observing your leg bouncing up and down when you talk about your childhood or your anxieties about life?
So, I would say that because I am a human and love learning about you, that makes me great at my job. And I guess that at first glance, I might look like I might not be a good fit for someone who wants me to be perfect. BUT… I would love to talk to you about how expecting perfection is working out for you.
And I don’t work for free. You pay for my time but our relationship is free. And the relationship is the best part and what will likely make the most difference in your life.
