The whole world is against you.
It can be hard when you feel the weight of the whole world on top of you.
It can be hard to feel the pain of everyone around you.
Fortunately, I’ve made a living of trying to figure out how to manage it. Most of the time it’s a cognitive distortion. A cognitive distortion is thinking something is true in your head but when you look at the evidence, it’s actually not true or not possible. It’s a mind game, y’all. And it seems really real when you’re in it, which makes it hard to believe that it isn’t really true.
You know…..
When you think everyone doesn’t like you.
You think everything is unfairly biased against you (note: this IS true when it comes to systemic oppression and culture/gender/racial bias, I am not discounting those experiences).
If you know me, you know I really like Phil Stutz. He’s a psychiatrist and has written some wonderful books. I love the Tools and regularly use it in my work. I am currently reading, “Lessons for Living, what only adversity can teach you.” I am only in the first few pages but Dr. Stutz has already thrown some truth bombs.
Stutz states that the reality of life is:
Life includes pain and adversity
The future is uncertain
Accomplishment of any kind requires discipline
You are not special. No matter what you do, you cannot avoid these aspects of life.
This will never change.
I must admit, although I know these things, it is so much easier not to remember them. It requires a lot from me to feel the pain and adversity and not blame it on unfairness of life. It is hard to admit that there is no certainty in what will happen in the future. Accomplishment requires a lot of discipline, wouldn’t it be easier if I just was destined for greatness instead of having to work hard towards it? It’s upsetting to think that no one is special and there is no way to avoid the disappointing parts of living.
Yet, I see these things play out everyday for my clients as well as in mine and my friends lives. The parent that has a kid who gets cancer. The young adult that only has a few months to live. The job that you lost or the one you didn’t get hired for. The list goes on an on.
It is easy to think the world is against you. Yet it’s also easy to see that many things are going on around you that are great, too. I recently started to realize that I was focusing on the negative in my own life. I’d get up in the morning and notice all of the mess around the house that was interfering with my enjoyment of a clean and organized house. When I challenged myself to see what good was going on around me, I noticed that my kids had done their chores. My son had made a mess and almost set the kitchen on fire by making himself a hamburger. I wanted him to try to be more independent and even though he put the heat too high, that was part of learning. My daughter loves makeup. Her makeup was everywhere, but she’s an artist and she loves to express herself that way. I enjoy cooking a lot and frequently use almost every dish when I’m learning a new recipe or cooking technique, So when the dishes are piled high, it usually means a delicious meal is coming.
I have failed in love and work and learned a lot from it. I fail in parenting (it feels like everyday sometimes) but I’m better at repair than I used to be and I know my kids are good people. So I must be doing some things right. I have learned to embrace the AND instead of one sided feelings. I can be sad and optimistic. I can be regretful and learn something. I can grieve and have hope. I am capable of all things.
We are complex beings and there is the possibility of everything in our lives. It’s ok to be down sometimes, just don’t stay there because you might miss the good things too. If you work hard, it might not be great in the moment, but reaching your goal is magical.
You have to keep your eyes open for all of it, for that is truly the human experience.
Thank you for the reminder, Dr. Stutz!
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