Herpes; what if you get rejected?

I was reading a reddit group recently asking if men would reject a woman who had Herpes if she disclosed before they had sex.

Of course there were internet trolls who said really mean things. That happens everywhere. People who don’t know where else to direct their hate but a random person on the internet.

However, what I did see backed up my thoughts about disclosure and when to do it. There were many people who said…. if she told me before we had sex, I’d give her points for honesty. If she told me after we had sex, that would be the end of our relationship. One person said that his girlfriend told him before they had sex, he took time to do his research, and decided to move forward with the relationship (and was glad that he did, he never got Herpes btw). Another person said that his girlfriend told him, he researched, but then couldn’t continue with the relationship because having sex with her made him too nervous…… I’m not diagnoising him… but I’d be willing to bet that he had issues with anxiety way before this goddess walked in to his life who also happened to have Herpes. Another guy answered that he would decline any further relationship with the woman and keep dating. That, for me, translates into: I probably just want sex and don’t want Herpes to impact my sex life, so I will just keep playing the field. Guess what? That guy would probably just keep playing the field even if the woman didn’t have Herpes.

I do not believe that Herpes is always the problem. Maybe he was on the fence and now has been pushed to make a decision. We don’t know. We may NEVER know. But do you really want to be with someone that isn’t sure that they want to be with you? I’m not encouraging a quick rush into relationships, but maybe then, you can just wait on having sex. There are so many other things you can do besides have sex. There are other options, and they are just as available to him as they are to you.

But what popped out of that Reddit discussion was this; don’t not offer your partner a chance to choose what they want to do with all of the information. In other words, don’t lie or omit the information. You can be sure that it’s more likely that you will be rejected if you don’t tell than if you do. Several men wrote that if the woman is honest about Herpes, it shows that she is going to be honest with them, even if it’s not advantageous to her. Did your parents ever say to you, “Do the right thing, even when no one is looking?” Maybe it was just my parents….. but it has served me well in life.

How did you contract Herpes? Did someone give it you you either knowingly or unknowingly? How did it feel to you? Do you feel deceived? Did you have a choice? Would you have wanted a choice?

Important questions to ask.

I believe that each person will decide what is best for them. It’s not my place to judge you. What I will tell you, is that you will have to learn to live with whatever decision you make forever. The person that you might transmit Herpes to will also have to live with it. That’s worth considering.

It is absolutely true that there are a lot of people who have no idea they have it and are transmitting to others. That can happen. Some people have very few outbreaks or have very mild ones that they didn’t realize were actually Herpes. It happens.

A rejection because you have Herpes is hard. I get it. And it’s also tough love to tell you that there is no other way to get past it then to continue putting yourself out there. Learn from the rejection and move on. You certainly will not find a relationship by closing yourself off.

The fact is, it might not be about Herpes at all, but sometimes we will never know. It’s ok not to.

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