Is there an advantage to immediately telling someone you have Herpes?

I belong to some online areas where people with Herpes share openly about their experiences. 

They talk about disclosures to people they are dating. 

One day one person in the group stated that they disclosed immediately, before they even met. So if they meet someone on an online dating site, they either put their Herpes status in their profile or tell the person via message when they are chatting before they meet. 

I initially felt a sense of fear for them and when there is fear, I know I need to learn more.

Some people were ghosted and were relieved that they didn’t have to date and really get excited about the person before being rejected because they have Herpes. Some were told by the other person that they appreciated their honesty and they wanted to get to know them more. Some said that telling them they had Herpes was a huge plus and highlighted that they were getting someone who valued openness and honesty, they wanted to explore getting to know each other. Some said that they didn’t know much about Herpes and wanted to learn more. Some said that they had Herpes too and were going to disclose as they got to know each other and now didn’t have to. Some said they appreciated the disclosure and didn’t want Herpes and so they didn’t want to pursue the relationship. Some people were assholes and said mean things, but I noted that was the least common and seemed to be really few and far between. 

The most searched for topic on my website is about disclosure and getting rejected. Lets be honest, if you have Herpes, do you automatically assume the conversation is going to go well? Most people don’t. And when they do disclose and get a positive response, they are over the moon about it. Some people who are worried about Herpes stay in relationships with their accepting partner because they are too scared or think no one else will accept that you have Herpes. 

Herpes is a conversation, not really a disclosure. Disclosure is suggesting that Herpes is bad and shameful. And although this mindset happens, it’s a thing you should acknowledge and try to process so that you can move past it. Who wants to live with shame forever?  I don’t think anyone does. So it’s easier to process and move past the shame rather than to live with it in denial or fear. 

 Disclosure of Herpes immediately feels liberating. I do understand that there are also concerns. If you live in a small town, you probably are wary of everyone knowing you have Herpes, so you worry about the likelihood of people spreading your info. And I also know that there’s a way you can let someone know you have Herpes even after a long time dating and they might tell someone. It’s a risk that we have to assume everyone who has Herpes takes. Letting someone know who  you are intimate with that you have Herpes is the only way to make sure they have a choice about whether they want to be exposed or not. It’s also the only way to be sure you can work together to prevent spreading it. 

So I do think letting someone know you have Herpes right off the bat is vulnerable and brave. I think it does save some of the build up of knowing that you will let the person you’re intimate with know at one time or another. It saves you from building up feelings for someone who may ultimately decide not to pursue intimacy with you because of Herpes. It also doesn’t allow someone to get to know you and decide that Herpes isn’t a big deal when it comes right down to it. They want to explore because they want to explore with YOU. There are positive parts of doing it off the bat and there are positives to waiting. Ultimately it is a decision that you have to make. The more you make a decision that align with your values, they more it is going to feel right.